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September 9th, 2007

03:48 pm - wow it's been a loooooooong time
I have not been on here in over a year...wow.

I've been away for a while since Tim's death. It's been the most difficult thing I've had to deal with in all of my life...so far. And it honestly has taken me about this long to finally come out of wherever I was.


Jack just had his 3rd birthday!!! He's growing so much and he's everything to me. He started preschool last week. It was rough at first for him (and me) but he's adjusting well. But it's so quiet when he's not home :(

I'm in school...and for the most part I'm floating through right now with some idea of the big picture. Trying to...no I WILL get an associate's degree in science. And then bachelor's. And more and more because I have become obsessed with the pharmacology field. I'm such a nerd. But everyone has always known that, right?

We had to put Chowder to sleep on Friday. He was an old guy and I feel like he was hurting, with his failing kidneys and getting so frail. I know he's happier now but it's so hard to not have him here. And it's hard to deal with the fact that we all decided to put him to sleep. I miss him so much and I wonder if he hangs out with Magnet and Baby over there.

I'm still with Keith and I'm past the point where I was paranoid about every aspect of our relationship. He wants to marry me. I have issues with marriage in general...look at my parents. But I would totally marry him...eventually. I so would love to elope but Keith says no. His mom would cry...my mom too. But still it would be so much less stressful right? And it would be a good story to tell later on.

I always think of when Tim would come over and see Chowder. Sometimes we'd call him Chow and Tim would say to him "Never say goodbye, say ciao." It's a Liberace song that I cannot find to illegally download dammit. But I'd totally buy a Liberace cd...he's awesome. And everyone knows I have a thing for gay guys....right?
Current Mood: mellowmellow

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July 21st, 2006

12:13 am - Jack Straw (Bean)
We can share the women, we can share the wine.
We can share what we got of yours 'cause we done shared all of mine.
Keep on rollin', just a mile to go;
Keep on rollin' my old buddy, you're movin' much too slow.

I just jumped the watchman, right outside the fence.
Took his rings, four bucks in change, ain't that Heaven sent?
Hurts my ears to listen, Shannon, burns my eyes to see;
Cut down a man in cold blood, Shannon, might as well been me.

We used to play for silver, now we play for life;
And one's for sport and one's for blood at the point of a knife.
And now the die is shaken, now the die must fall.
There ain't a winner in the game, he don't go home with all.
Not with all.

Leavin' Texas, fourth day of July,
Sun so hot, the clouds so low, the eagles filled the sky.
Catch the Detroit Lightnin' out of Sante Fe,
The Great Northern out of Cheyenne, from sea to shining sea.

Gotta go to Tulsa, first train we can ride.
Gotta settle one old score, one small point of pride.
There ain't a place a man can hide, Shannon will keep him from the sun
Ain't a bed can give us rest now, you keep us on the run.

Jack Straw from Wichita cut his buddy down,
And dug for him a shallow grave and laid his body down.
Half a mile from Tucson, by the morning light,
One man gone and another to go, my old buddy you're moving much too slow.

We can share the women, we can share the wine.

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12:12 am - Sugar Magnolia (me)
Sugar magnolia, blossoms blooming, heads all empty and I don't care,
Saw my baby down by the river, knew she'd have to come up soon for air.

Sweet blossom come on, under the willow, we can have high times if you'll abide
We can discover the wonders of nature, rolling in the rushes down by the riverside.

She's got everything delightful, she's got everything I need,
Takes the wheel when I'm seeing double, pays my ticket when I speed

Well, she comes skimmin' through rays of violet, she can wade in a drop of dew,
She don't come and I don't follow, waits backstage while I sing to you.

Well, she can dance a Cajun rhythm, jump like a willys in four wheel drive.
She's a summer love for spring, fall and winter. She can make happy any man alive.

Sugar magnolia, ringing that bluebell, caught up in sunlight, come on out singing
I'll walk you in the sunshine, come on honey, come along with me.

She's got everything delightful, she's got everything I need,
A breeze in the pines and the sun and bright moonlight, crazy in the sunlight yes indeed.

Sometimes when the cuckoo's crying, when the moon is half way down,
Sometimes when the night is dying, I take me out and I wander around, I wander 'round.

Sunshine, daydream, walking in the tall trees, going where the wind goes
Blooming like a red rose, breathing more freely,
Ride out singin', I'll walk you in the morning sunshine
Sunshine, daydream. Sunshine, daydream. Walking in the sunshine.

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12:11 am - St. Stephen (Tim)
Saint Stephen with a rose, in and out of the garden he goes,
Country garden in the wind and the rain,
Wherever he goes the people all complain.

Stephen prospered in his time, well he may and he may decline.
Did it matter, does it now? Stephen would answer if he only knew how.
Wishing well with a golden bell, bucket hanging clear to hell,
Hell halfway twixt now and then,
Stephen fill it up and lower down and lower down again.

Lady finger, dipped in moonlight, writing "What for?" across the morning sky.
Sunlight splatters, dawn with answer, darkness shrugs and bids the day good-bye.

Speeding arrow, sharp and narrow,
What a lot of fleeting matters you have spurned.
Several seasons with their treasons,
Wrap the babe in scarlet colors, call it your own.
Did he doubt or did he try? Answers aplenty in the bye and bye,
Talk about your plenty, talk about your ills,
One man gathers what another man spills.

Saint Stephen will remain, all he's lost he shall regain,
Seashore washed by the suds and foam,
Been here so long, he's got to calling it home.

Fortune comes a crawlin', Goliath be warnin', spinnin' that curious sense of
your own.
Can you answer? Yes I can. But what would be the answer to the answer man?

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July 20th, 2006

11:47 pm
it's been a while....

i got my old job back. im going to nj soon to visit sarah and to ny to visit jill and maggie and andy. while im in nj me and bean are going to see donny and marlena. donny wants to take jack to chuck e cheese for an early birthday. maybe i could get rob and his woman to come too. sarah will be way too out there after her surgery to do anything. i wonder if her face is going to look very different after the jaw surgery. my cousin rebecca is pregnant and had a shotgun wedding which i was not invited to. i could have come. i also could have sent a gift but i'm a little bitter because i wasn't invited. whatever i guess there's going to be another guido in the family soon. i got my old job back and start after i get home in august. but i need to have my gall bladder taken out...gross. so i need to set a date for that and tell my boss. i gave blood yesterday. i signed up for school this year. me and keith are taking jack to the zoo in columbia next week. isn't that sad that we have to drive 2 hours or so just to go to a decent zoo? personally i hate zoos but i'm not going to rob jack of seeing the animals because he would like it. it's been damn hot here. a couple of weeks ago the whole family had the plague. it sucked. then tim's friend lucas came to visit and brought jack shitloads of gifts. lucas loves jack. and he invited us to his 21st birthday party in vegas. i so wanna go and keith is being a pill about it. but i couldn't go anyway with starting work again and school. bah...responsibilites. long term plan is to move north to better schools by the time jack is 5 or 6. and then go to school myself some more to be an actual pharmacist instead of a technician. i don't care how long it takes. 10 years? eh. keith is welcome to join me. but i told him this is the plan. i love keith but i think there may be a time when i just need to do what i have to and maybe he'll need to do his own thing. but for now it's good. jack likes playing with him and it's cool to have a male influence for bean. because if you know my dad he's the type that doesn't like to get dirty....no fixing cars for him or doing things that make you sweat. bean likes makeup. jack will be going to daycare when i start school and work but i still need to figure all that out. i gotta get on it soon. he needs socialization with other kids. and i think he gets sick of me all day long since i haven't been working. i started these new pills from my doctor yesterday and that's why i'm rambling in one huge paragraph. i like the idea of not using pills to get through life but i've been in need of something since tim died. i'm trying. i was thinking of a support group or grief counseling or something but i really don't want to get involved with self righteous christians. this area is festering with them. my mom went to the doctor last week and found out she has diabetes. i'm next if i don't change what i do...eating and stuff. i like food. but get this, keith wants me to get a bikini. i was pissed when he said it because i thought he was being sarcastic. but he's serious. he's mental. i told him he needs to teach jack how to surf. i think bean would like it. he likes running into the ocean and dunking his head in the water. i don't. so me and jack have an new thing we do before he goes to bed. he loves to put on music and dance. and he makes me put on the grateful dead and we dance together and i sing to him. i sing badly but he likes it. when he dances alone he's all serious about it. i suck at dancing too but i figure bean likes it and tim's not here to dance with him. a lot of times i look at bean and he totally looks like him. sarah and claudia always called him little tim. jack always picks the sticker off of lighters too, like tim always did, and then it's sticky. i miss tim.
Current Mood: restlessrestless

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May 17th, 2006

01:28 pm
im back in myrtle beach. looooooooooong story.

i won tickets for sebastian bach woohooooooo!!!!!!!!!

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May 5th, 2006

12:13 pm
i got gallstones. and im not pregnant. also i now have another ginormous hospital bill to deal with....pile it on
Current Mood: i feel old

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May 2nd, 2006

01:29 pm
im still depressed over tim sooo much. especially when im alone. i can't stop thinking about how much i miss him.

i moved to raleigh, nc. it's a little more normal than myrtle beach but still the south. what's with all the confederate flags? they're so weird and i hate grits.

so i haven't had my period in about 5 or 6 weeks. i took a test the other day and it said im not pregnant. so what's wrong with me?? it's weird but at this time i wouldn't want to have a baby but when i saw the test said not pregnant i was a little sad. am i going to get a gigantic period or what? im a little worried. never ever has my period been this messed up.

i gotta go find a job......bye

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April 2nd, 2006

03:37 am - Tim
I haven't written in a while and i don't really feel up to it yet. It will take some time to write more but i do have something that i will put here...

Dear Tim,
I miss you so very much. My heart is broken and I want to tell you everything. I don’t even think I can express myself clearly right now because there is so much going through my head. I think of you always and I want you back here with me and Jack. He’s the most beautiful amazing little person. I’ve always said that he looks like you and he has your energy too. Sometimes I feel like I can’t keep up with him and sometimes I feel like I can’t keep up with you either. He loves dancing and so do you. I will do my best to raise him with the understanding of what a wonderful person you are. I’ve always admired your crazy outlook on life and how you can make me laugh and feel so much better no matter how down I feel. I only wish I was there for you like you were always there for me. I feel like I let you down and im sorry. Im so sorry, Tim. I love you, always. You’re my first love. You stuck by me through all the bullshit I put you through and you still loved me. And you gave me Jack. You’ve given me a lot. I should have just said ‘fuck it’ and come out there on a plane with Beans to see you, like you did for me. Dammit we’re two peas in a pod. I can’t be just one pea. And I can’t be cheese without milk. Maybe Beans is yogurt. You mean so much to me. It’s so hard. We never went more than a few days without talking to each other, right? It’s 10 days now and I can’t take it. It hurts so much, Tim. How much longer will it be until I see you again? What if I go past 80 years old?? I can’t see how I can without you. I know I have to. I have Jack and he’s part of you. Remember that? We both knew when it happened. I love Beans so much. Im sorry about the first one too. I’ve always held a lot of guilt since then. And then when Beans came I felt like it was meant to be, which means most definitely I screwed up. Really big. I don’t know what to say about that except I was not in my right mind at the time and since then I told myself I would never ever do that again. Im so thankful we got a second chance and this time I wasn’t retarded enough to screw it up. Thank you for sticking with me through all the bullshit I gave you. There were plenty of times you could have said ‘screw you’ and ditched me but you didn’t. I love you for that. I love you for everything you’ve enlightened me with. Like your love of the Grateful Dead. And your views on politics and protesters and the homeless and so on. It always amazes me how through all of both of our bitterness and anger towards things we both had such a connection with each other. I know we’ll see each other again someday on the same level. Wait for me please. I don’t know how long I’ll be but I want you to wait for me. I hope you realize how much love I have for you. And how many others love you too. You were always so cool to my sisters and my whole family loves you so much. I told you that before I was pregnant Sarah and Claudia said we have to find a way to have Tim in the family. But you already were family. Even if the family was totally crazy and dysfunctional there’s a lot of love there and you know it. My mom said we were like two sides of a coin, like two halves. Even your mom said we’re soul mates. I’ve always felt like we’ve been together before in another time and I want that again. So that’s why I said wait for me. And we can be together again. No one that I could ever meet would understand even a little the relationship and deep connection we have. I’ve known this already and there’s no amount of explaining I can do that will make anyone understand. There’s that song that makes me think of you and even after we weren’t in a relationship together I wondered if I’d ever feel this way about someone else. But I haven’t. And I know I never will. It’s our song..

Be Mine Tonight
Be mine tonight,
We'll travel through all our memories,
In our own little space in time,
You've always been mine...
Through the years,
I feel your love beside me
Through the laughter and the tears,
You've conquered all my fears...
So many stories,
So many treasures,
So much our lives have shared...
We've done it all and we've done it together,
You know I've always cared...
In this heart,
There'll never be another,
You have made my life complete,
Our love is like a dream...
Take my hand,
Nothing can come between us,
We were always meant to be,
Forever, you and me...
In my eyes,
Your face is always before me,
Our souls are now as one...
We've only just begun...

Promise you’ll wait for me. I love you, Tim. I feel like when I say you’re my best friend and I love you those words aren’t strong enough to describe how connected I feel with you. I know we weren’t romantically involved but I feel like that doesn’t matter and we both said no one else could ever interfere with our relationship with each other. I told Lucas that if there ever came a time that there was a conflict with you and Keith I would not stay with him. I meant it. I love Keith and he loves me and he’s good to Jack. But if it came down to it and I had to choose I would pick you. And I promise I will not let anything happen to our Jack. I love him so much. He’s the most important person in my life and I have to look out for him as best I can. I feel like I could write on and on about how I feel and I probably will at another time. You always said I expressed myself better in writing than I do verbally. I know it. I hate these circumstances though. But I also know that all your pain is gone now and you’re free from all the bullshit. It actually gets me a little jealous. You left me in all this bullshit dammit. I get it though. I just wish I could have done more to help you because you were always there for me. Im sorry I let you down. You promise to wait for me though. We must do this again. You know, go through the bad craziness of life together again. And promise me that you’ll watch over Jack. He’s so beautiful and he’s such sweet kid. You’re an excellent father, Tim. I promise you I will tell Jack all about you. How much you love him. And I’ll tell him what a wonderful amazing person you are. I miss you so much. It hurts. I love you, Tim.
Love you forever, Beth.

Current Mood: numbnumb
Current Music: Standing On The Moon

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February 22nd, 2006

10:59 pm - it's all happening...
i still haven't packed anything. i have pink eye...it sucks. but i have to pack cuz we're leaving saturday. it's soooooo crazy. im super excited. keith came over for dinner today and talked with my mom. it went well. my dad was awkward but that is expected. but keith was weirded out a little i think. we got playstation today wooohooooo!!! cuz we need a better computer for sims so i'll play it on that. i know it's not the same though. i can't sleep im sooo excited. yay moving!! yay playstation!!

i don't think i'll get to fuck keith till we get our stuff in the place. damn. but i got to last night a whole bunch of times. oooooh he's sooo sexy. i loooove him
Current Mood: giddygiddy

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